


Mendax

by Tsuki_Amano



Series: After Eights [2]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Asexual Character, Character Study, Fluff, M/M, Protective Bucky Barnes, Protective Tony Stark, Sam Wilson Being Awesome, h/c
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-21
Updated: 2016-11-21
Packaged: 2018-09-01 07:58:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8615941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tsuki_Amano/pseuds/Tsuki_Amano
Summary: Captain America never lied. But Steve Rogers did. It was just a matter of being able to tell the two apart. And it was unfortunate that so few could.A semi-introspective take on some of the times that Steve Rogers has lied in the 21st century and the one time he didn’t.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Heads-up : So there's a brief mention of someone throwing up in the +1 section (it's about a line). Also, *Spoiler alert* but Steve doesn't tell Bucky he's asexual. They don't have sex but the fact that there's the possibility of Bucky having gone further (while unlikely) which is brought up. (Again in the +1 section)
> 
> Also : Mendax means Liar in Latin

Captain America never lied. But Steve Rogers did. It was just a matter of being able to tell the two apart. And it was unfortunate that so few could.

A semi-introspective take on some of the times that Steve Rogers has lied in the 21st century and the one time he didn’t.

  1. **Bright lights -** His cheeks are starting to sting from the strain of all the smiling he’s been doing. Another bright flash erupts too close to his eyes and he stumbles, before a strong hand on his arm steadies him. But the smile on his face never slips.



“You all right Cap?” It’s Tony, who, to Steve’s eternal envy seems to handle these events like a pro. Natasha had once told him that it’s a side effect of living a life in the spot-light. Before he can respond to Tony, a reporter nearby is shoving a microphone in their faces, demanding a response to some inane topic. To his relief, Tony fields the discussion.

All Steve has to do is stand there and smile.

Ten minutes into the conversation, it becomes apparent that he’s not needed and he politely excuses himself, making his way past other socialites who’s smiles seem empty and gazes are vacant. He finds Bucky standing in the midst of a group of Avengers and potential donors, laughing and sipping wine from a glass. Bucky’s always known how to charm a crowd, right from the start. He contemplates going in to join the conversation but he stops himself, because he remembers the last time he’d tried, when he’d tripped over his words, tongue-tied and unsure. The scorn on some of the investors’ faces was burned in his memory, and the look of pity on the others’ faces was still sharp. The serum hadn’t made him any better at socializing, it hadn’t made the sharpness in his chest when he had to make nice with a group of people any less.

Sometimes, he lay in bed at night and wished the serum could have fixed that part of him.

A young woman makes her way up to him, dressed to the nines for today’s charity event. She smiles at him in what she must assume is her most enticing way and lays her delicate hand on his arm.

He’s painstakingly polite, because it’s not her fault. He and Bucky haven’t gone public with their relationship and even if they weren’t together, he’s far too tired and strung-up with this event to care.

Her chatter is cut short when someone swoops in and says, “I’m afraid I’ll have to steal Captain Rogers away my dear, urgent Avengers business.”

And Tony ushers Steve outside to the balcony where he fixes him with a critical look.

“Tony, I’m…”

“No, you’re not. I know you hate these public events.”

“Listen to me, I’m perfectly fine.”

“If you’re so fine, look me in the eyes and tell me that.”

So, Steve looks into Tony’s eyes, thinks of all the good his presence at this gala will do for the foundation and puts on his best smile, “I’m fine Tony.”

He’s not fine.

And Tony knows it too.

  1. **Breakfast –** Steve wakes up to an empty bed. For a brief second, his chest is tight and he can’t breathe anymore. He feels like a teenager having an asthma attack and he doesn’t know what to do. Bucky never wakes up earlier than he does and the thought that the man might have left in the middle of the night terrifies him.



But he forces himself to take a deep breath and think rationally. Bucky’s phone is still there on the night-stand and perhaps, more tellingly, his Glock is under the pillow. He’s probably still in the house somewhere.

He finds Bucky in the kitchen, making breakfast for them and he forces a smile on his face when he sees the jubilant expression on his boyfriend’s face. After all, Bucky’s therapist had told him he needed to be supportive of Bucky’s efforts at recovery. And this was definitely a recovery effort.

“I’m making breakfast!” he crows happily and plates up the charred remains of whatever’s in the pan in front of him.

“I made scrambled eggs! You love scrambled eggs, right?” And then he fixes him with that same hopeful look and the words come unbidden.

“I love scrambled eggs, they’re my favourite!”

He hates scrambled eggs, but when Bucky beams back at him, it’s worth it.

Isn’t it?

  1. **Scratches –** He’s with Bucky, Wanda, and Sam in a pet shop. Wanda is cooing over all the animals, petting the dogs, and letting the snakes coil around her arms. Steve stands to the side and keeps a close watch on her. He pretends not to notice Sam keeping an eye on him.



Wanda and Bucky find their way over to the kitten section and when he walks over to the rabbits for just five minutes, he comes back to find them rolling on the floor, a pile of kittens around them.

“These ones,” Wanda says firmly, gesturing at the two in her hands and one in Bucky’s, “These three are coming home with me.”

“Isn’t that a lot of kittens sweetheart?” Steve asks gently. They’d only come in here to look around after all.

“No, they’re for me and Pietro,” she says decisively. And that’s that.

On the way back, after dropping Wanda off, Bucky looks at Steve and says, “Maybe someday we should get a cat too!”

“Maybe,” he says, shrugging his shoulder.

He likes cats, just from a distance. He still has memories of being thrown into a violent asthmatic frenzy when their hair got anywhere near him and he remembers how the alley-cat near his apartment had almost ripped his arm to shreds once.

“Man, who are you kidding,” says Sam when they’re out of earshot. “You hate cats. You freeze up when you’re in the room with them.”

“I don’t hate them,” he argues.

“You don’t want one.” Sam counters and Steve has to blink because he potentially has a point.

“It’s not like he’s going to get a cat tomorrow.”

“And if he does?”

“I can learn to love it.”

“I’m not saying you can’t or won’t. All I’m saying is that you should potentially be more open with Bucky. He’s not going to get angry with you for being honest and he’s definitely not going to get angry with you if you don’t agree with him. It’s not like this is going to set his recovery back or anything.”

“But it’ll help him get better.”

“No Steve,” Sam’s voice is gentle, “You help him get better. And you can’t do that by hurting yourself.”

  1. **Food –** “That looks so good!” Darcy exclaims. She points to a giant stuffed hot dog that’s overloaded with cheese and various other toppings. Steve’s stomach turns upside down, he hates cheese.



“Oh man, I want that, but there’s no way I’ll never be able to eat it by myself. Unless, Steve will you split it with me?”

“Sure.” He hopes his voice doesn’t sound as strangled as he feels.

Halfway through his food he’s immensely regretting his decision.

“Isn’t it delicious?” Darcy says excitedly.

“It sure is,” he says, forcing himself to swallow another bite.

  1. **Pure –** “Better change the channel,” Clint cackles, as the leading pair on-screen get hot and heavy. Steve pretends not to notice the team’s glances towards him. But when they pass another off-hand comment, this time about the two holding hands, he feels a familiar spark of annoyance and he gets up, snaps his book shut and walks out of the living room.



He’s standing at the elevator when Natasha’s voice drifts down the corridor, “They’re just playing around you know?”

And he’s sure they are, but he’s also sure they think he’s some 90-year-old virgin. Rolling his eyes, he retorts, “Sure have strange games around here.” And he doesn’t imagine the flinch when she hears the acid in his tone.

In the darkness of his own bedroom, he lets the rush of memories consume him. He remembers hurried kisses and strong hands pressing him into a dusty corner. He recalls the furtive whispers and the frantic attempts to hide before Bucky got home, the guilt of having such a secret from his best friend.

He remembers the drunken kisses exchanged later with Bucky, the declarations of love and the promises of an undying future.

But he won’t say anything because Bucky doesn’t remember any of that.

**+1 – When he didn’t lie**

When he gets home after his morning run, he finds Bucky sitting in the living room, his head in his hands.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, rushing forward.

Bucky looks up at him, his eyes bloodshot and his hair mussed. He looks like he’s been sick.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He croaks out, and if Steve didn’t know any better, he’d say Bucky was close to tears.

“Tell you what?” he says carefully.

“Steve if I had pushed further than where we went yesterday, would you have stopped me?”

And Steve freezes.

Because he hadn’t expected Bucky to remember that.

He sits down heavily on the couch and stares at the ground.

Back before the serum, it was hard to explain. But sex just wasn’t something he wanted, at least not very often. He didn’t mind it and on the rare occasion, with Bucky, it was all right, but unlike a good number of his peers, it wasn’t something he actively craved. He was well aware of the fact that this made him different, even from the men who visited those special night clubs.

He’d brought it up shyly with Bucky once, and Bucky, good, old Bucky had somehow understood. No, that was the wrong word to use, because he didn’t understand it himself, so he couldn’t expect Bucky to understand it. But he’d accepted it and he’d accepted Steve and that was that.

They’ve never gone beyond a little kissing, which is perfectly fine with Steve. Initially, Bucky had never been in the mood and then it was easy to brush off any attempts since he was tired from missions or had reports to file.

“I would have told you,” he said and he can’t look up because he can feel the anguish on Bucky’s face. He’s not lying though. He would have told Bucky.

There’s a gagging noise and Steve looks up, “I think I’m going to be sick.”

Steve holds Bucky’s hair back and rubs his back as he empties his stomach.

Later that night, they’re lying on the sofa and Bucky’s refused to let go of Steve the whole day. He’s been silent, lost in thought but he suddenly asks, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I… we had agreed that you had to remember things on your own.”

“Small things Steve, things like what happened to my shoes when we went swimming in that stupid lake. Not something so important. I could have hurt you!”

“You wouldn’t have Bucky.”

“I just, I just don’t understand why you didn’t tell me Stevie,” Bucky whispers, “Didn’t you trust me?”

“Buck… it’s not that. How was I supposed to tell you that the serum didn’t work all the way?”

Bucky looks up sharply and he asks, “What do you mean?”

“It fixed so much, my asthma and my back and everything. But I guess even the serum couldn’t fix this.”

“Baby, what… there was nothing for the serum to fix. You’re not broken.” And Bucky’s crying but he hugs Steve tight and Steve’s confused but there’s something warm in his chest because of what Bucky said.

“Baby,” Bucky says quietly, “Tomorrow, you and me are going to have a long talk. But for now, you have to promise me that you’ll never, ever lie to me when something makes you uncomfortable all right? If you don’t like it, I want to know.”

“I can do that.” Steve says, leaning into a soft kiss.

And he’s not lying this time.

**Author's Note:**

> Never lie to someone that you'll eat something if you don't like it (I don't like cheese myself).
> 
> Also, asexuality (as in all types of sexuality) is a pretty big spectrum. Steve's ok with the idea of having sex and may occasionally engage in it, but he doesn't actively desire it (if that makes sense?). Essentially, he's not repulsed by the idea of it. But at the same time, it's not something he considers normal and as a result of which he sees himself as broken. In this case, thankfully, Bucky's there to set him right.
> 
> This is totally introspective, but I was watching something and I couldn't help thinking, well yes Steve is doing that to make someone else happy but how does that make him feel? And *boom* this was born. I'm not saying a relationship doesn't involve some degree of compromise and sometimes you'll need to do things that make you uncomfortable. But, there are limits to that.
> 
> Don't set yourself on fire to be someone else's flame.


End file.
